Key takeaways to tune in for:

[02:30] – What’s causing a lot of troubles in relationships

[04:43] – A dose of honesty before we start

[05:42] – You might be feeling this way too and it’s OKAY!

[06:59] – Surprising statement from a psychologist when I screened for autism diagnosis

[07:45] – Many siblings of autistics have this mindset

[09:15] – A question I got from a friend that inspired me to record this episode

[10:50] – Why I decided to leave my loving family environment 

[14:50] – The role we siblings take on at an extremely young age

[20:08] – The guide I use with my clients when healing childhood trauma

[23:10] – What effect it has on children if you neglect self-care as a parent

[27:29] – How to reprogram your mindset to a healthy & fulfilling one

The Highs and Lows of Being a Sibling Caregiver

 

A year ago, I went through an autism diagnosis. The process started with a psychologist’s session. In the middle of our conversation, the psychologist looks up from her notes and asks: “Did you know that siblings suffer more than autistics?”. I did not expect to hear that. 

I thought about it for a while, and I realized it’s not surprising at all. Siblings of autistics often hide their feelings behind a big smile. We pretend we are okay because we don’t want to burden our families. Parents have enough on their plates already. 

Instead, we convince ourselves we must help, so we take on the caregiver role. Eventually, we master the mindset “I’m not important & my needs are not important” and apply it in all our relationships. Did that take you back to your childhood memories? It took me back. 

A Caregiver from Age Nine

When my autistic non-verbal brother Samko was born, my maternal instincts activated immediately. I was nine years old, and I remember being obsessed with babies. I took him everywhere. I watched him play and held his tiny fingers until he fell asleep. I LOVED taking care of my brother. 

Taking on a parenting role at such an extremely young age happens subconsciously. You don’t think about it. It just happens. However, it comes with its challenges. Handling situations (and emotions) when Samko had a meltdown and beat me was more than difficult for a child of my age. My parents didn’t have enough information or resources to navigate through those moments, although they did the best they could.

After graduation, I knew I needed to leave my home country. I wanted my life to be more than just about my brother. Despite that, I felt excruciating pain the night before my flight. It felt like I was leaving my child behind. Every phone call I received from home about Samko having a difficult moment was accompanied by my never-ending guilt for leaving him behind.

When I went through a lot of pain, I told my mum that she had a choice to find someone else to take care of Samko, but she chose not to. I don’t blame her, but I do feel pain in my heart that I didn’t have a choice as a child. 

Our brains aren’t fully developed until at least the age of twenty-five, according to a study commissioned by the Scottish Sentencing Council. Since our beliefs and identity is largely shaped by the environment and people that create that environment, children believe everything adults tell them to be true. Kids observe parents’ behavior, listen to what they say, and take on their beliefs as their own. If parents encourage caregiver behavior and position the child into this identity from early on, children will gladly continue doing so without thinking twice about it.

Preventing Negative Effects of Caregiver Behavior

Being a caregiver brought beautiful things into my life, but I wish I was aware of the possible negative effects. So how do you avoid the negative effects? Pay attention to your needs and self-care. 

Every time I take on a new client, we start with healing childhood traumas and look at the so-called “programming” from childhood that shaped the thoughts and behavior of my client. We also look at the key core needs that weren’t fulfilled in their childhood so they can do the “re-parenting” process and gain the wholeness and fulfillment they desire. I created a guide that helps in the process that you can use too. It helps with defining and communicating these needs in all your relationships. I also recommend it as a tool to navigate a conversation with children about their needs. If you want to know more, you can download it HERE. 

If you’re a parent thinking: “I need nothing, I’m fine.”, please stop. We all have needs. My mum has been a vocal coach for over 20 years. She loves art and music, and she admitted that she cannot imagine her life without them. It helps her to cope with difficult situations in life. Having these important conversations and using this guide to navigate our needs helped us and our relationship to be more loving, peaceful, and healthy.

Looking after yourself is not beneficial only to you but to your children too. If you don’t take care of yourself and establish firm boundaries, your children will repeat the same mistakes as you. You need to invest in your health and relationship with yourself NOW if you DO want to be there for your family in the future. Self-care is non-negotiable. Talk honestly about your feelings and needs. Build better relationships and a better future for you and your family. 

If you are worried that the caregiver role might affect your children in the future, download my communication guide and start a conversation about what they need and how you can support them to grow into healthy and happy adults. I believe this communication guide is a vital tool for both, child and adult siblings. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to contact me via IG or via email mishka@happyautism.co

Resources from this episode: